5 Signs You are in A Toxic Friendship

At some point in our lives, we have all been in a toxic relationship in one form or another. There is a misconception that toxic relationships are only the unfortunate product of romantic relationships, but that is definitely not the case. Not all toxic relationships have a basis in romance. Friendships can be toxic too. Relationships, romantic and friendly alike, are hard work. They take dedication and commitment from both parties to continuously grow and learn from and about each other. Every friendship has its ups and downs. Fights and disagreements are normal. If the parties learn from it, a fight between friends can serve as a moment of growth for the friendship, actually making the relationship stronger. But once the negative moments start to outweigh the positive ones, that is when it is time to start asking yourself if the friendship is helping or hurting you.

In her 1995 book Toxic People,  Dr. Lillian Glass (a communication and psychology expert) coined and defined toxic relationships as “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.”¹ Any relationship that negatively impacts you is toxic.² Relationships do not always start off toxic, but a friendship that was based on mutual respect for each other can become extremely unhealthy over time.³  These friendships don’t necessarily consist of two people that have psychological symptomatology but can be good, rational people who are bad at the common pleasantries associated with maintaining happy and healthy friendships.⁴

Sometimes we may not know we are in a toxic friendship until someone else brings it to our attention. Or we might get an inkling that one of our friendships may be toxic, but we ignore the feeling and tuck it away because of the misconception that the amount of time spent and memories made with the person outweigh the negative impact they have on our lives. Speculation and possibilities aside, here are 5 signs you are in a toxic friendship:

1. They Dismiss Your Feelings

When your friend starts to or consistently dismisses your feelings it is time to start considering if the friendship is helping or hurting you. In my personal experience, it is one of the worst feelings when you tell a friend how their actions hurt you and they respond by telling you: “It’s not that big a deal.” In my efforts to be transparent about my feelings, the other person discounted them because they did not want to accept any responsibility for their actions.

2. You are Persistently Unhappy

If your friend’s actions cause you to be in a persistent state of unhappiness, understand that your relationship with that person is not in a healthy place. Whether this is due to their lack of respect for your time, support, or friendship as a whole. In a nutshell, if they continuously treat you like crap and cause you to feel bad about yourself, this is not a good thing but rather a cue to start reevaluating your relationship.

3. They take and don’t give⁵

Selfishness. Not a trait of a friend who cares about you or your well-being. Of course, you should not give to receive, and a true friend does not. You give your support, advice et cetera because it comes with the territory of being a good friend. However, if you find yourself constantly giving yourself and your time to a friendship only to have that friend not be there for you when you need them, they are being selfish and taking for granted your kindness and dedication to the relationship.

4. You Feel Emotionally Drained After Spending Time with Them⁶

This is closely related to number 2 above. After hanging out with a friend you should feel rejuvenated and look forward to the next time you get to see them. If you are tired it is because you stayed up all night chatting, or you have residual stomach pain from laughing so hard. A big sign your friendship might be toxic is if you feel emotionally drained after spending time with the person, and as a result, you have to put long stretches of time between one meetup to the next. Or worse — have to have a mutual friend serve as a “buffer” when you hang out, in order to ration the negativity.

5. They Cause Negative Shifts in Your Behavior⁷

A former law school friend of mine had this impact on me. I did not notice it until my mom brought it to my attention. This person and I got along well for the most part. But the relationship began to turn toxic when their pessimistic outlook started to cause me to think more negatively. Don’t get me wrong, any time a friendship ends it is a sad time. But that person was one I, unfortunately, had to distance myself from for my own mental health and wellbeing.

If you notice one or more of these signs in your current friendships, it might be time to take a step back and consider if the relationship is helping or hurting you, and if it is hurting you whether you should aim to repair it or let it go.

Have you noticed any of these signs in your current relationships? If so, how have you handled them?

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1. Jaime Ducharme, How to Tell If You Are in a Toxic Relationship — And What to Do About It, (June 5, 2018) http://time.com/5274206/toxic-relationship-signs-help/.
2. Asa Don Brown, Toxic Relationships: Being Aware of the Effects of a Dysfunctional Relationship, (Sep. 26, 2017) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/towards-recovery/201709/toxic-relationships.
3. Asa Don Brown, Toxic Relationships: Being Aware of the Effects of a Dysfunctional Relationship, (Sep. 26, 2017) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/towards-recovery/201709/toxic-relationships.
4. Asa Don Brown, Toxic Relationships: Being Aware of the Effects of a Dysfunctional Relationship, (Sep. 26, 2017) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/towards-recovery/201709/toxic-relationships.
5. Lolly Daskal, 35 Signs You are In a Toxic Relationship, https://www.inc.com/lolly-daskal/35-signs-youre-in-a-toxic-business-relationship.html (last visited Feb. 4, 2019).
6. Asa Don Brown, Toxic Relationships: Being Aware of the Effects of a Dysfunctional Relationship, (Sep. 26, 2017) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/towards-recovery/201709/toxic-relationships.
7. Jaime Ducharme, How to Tell If You Are in a Toxic Relationship — And What to Do About It, (June 5, 2018) http://time.com/5274206/toxic-relationship-signs-help/.